


songs for our daughter

by newct127



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Adoption, Domestic, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Married Life, also kiiind of maybe i don't know, just read it i can't help you otherwise tbh, kiiiind of, parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:21:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27978777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newct127/pseuds/newct127
Summary: The process is long and exhausting. At times it seems never ending. He doesn’t want to say it out loud, but Taeil is so tired, he considers giving up on the daily.
Relationships: Moon Taeil/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 6
Kudos: 74





	songs for our daughter

**Author's Note:**

> okay so like... i don't know. if you follow me on twitter than you know i'm working on something that i'm calling 'taeil is liziqi fic' for a while now, but this idea popped into my head the other day and it was too heartwarming for me not to want to drop everything to write it.  
> keep in mind that even though i did a bit of research, i can't be too certain on how the adoption process works. i haven't taken care of any babies either. kids are ew.
> 
> title from song for our daughter by laura marling which basically inspired this fic. that album is chef's kiss and it deserves to win the grammy it's nominated for

The process is long and exhausting. At times it seems never ending. He doesn’t want to say it out loud, but Taeil is so tired, he considers giving up on the daily.

He can’t do it now. They’re so close to getting an answer.

When he and Johnny first contacted the adoption agency more than two years ago they were very hopeful and eager. They filled in paperwork, submitted all documents, took the mandatory training, followed all procedures. They were told the process will go faster if they don’t specify gender or race, so they didn’t set those restrictions. But the good news has yet to come.

As much as they try to keep a positive thought, it’s not easy these days. On the first meeting with the agency they were told the process might take up to 24 months, but that meeting was 26 months ago, and there’s still no news.

Not knowing isn’t easy. Taeil would rather have the agency tell him he can’t be a father than the uncertainty they have now. The anticipation every time the phone rings and it’s a number he doesn’t recognize, but it’s never them. The hope that he’ll get home, and the solution will be right there, waiting for him. He gets disappointed every time. It’s too much for him.

Johnny is much more hopeful than he is these days. Every morning for the last month, as he drops Taeil off at work he tells him that today’s the day and that he can feel it. Every afternoon, when he gets back home to their house in the suburbs he finds Taeil in the kitchen, gives him a tired smile and tells him maybe today wasn’t the day, maybe it’s tomorrow.

That’s why Taeil doesn’t say anything. For Johnny.

Johnny really wants a baby. Taeil wants a baby too. He’s always felt a need to take care of the people around him, and once he got to college and got to take care of his friends the light bulb went off. It had been a parental instinct all along.

At the same time he’s tired. Really tired.

Before they made the decision they talked over all possible options. All types of adoption, getting a surrogate, they even considered getting a ton of pets instead. This was the option that seemed least selfish out of all of them. It wasn’t easier, or any less time consuming than the rest. It’s not a cheaper or less stressful option either. It just… felt right. At the time. If Taeil knew then what he knows now he would’ve voted for them finding a surrogate. A bit more stress, but it would’ve been over by now, and they would be on the next stage of their life, parenting a kid.

“I feel really good about today,” Johnny tells him on a Wednesday morning. It’s December, the mornings are freezing, and even though he’s been living in the city for half a decade, Taeil still hasn’t gotten used to how cold Chicago feels in the mornings. The northern winds only make it worse.

“I do too,” he lies like he has been every morning, and he fakes a smile. He hopes that Johnny can’t read right through him. “I’ll see you tonight,” he says, then leaves a kiss goodbye against his husband’s lips. Johnny smiles back at him, a small, soothing one. It reassures Taeil that things will be okay. It’s tiring, but they have each other.

He exits the car and heads towards the office building. He walks as fast as he can, shielding himself from the cold that way. He stops before he enters, turns back and waves at the car. Johnny always waits for him to safely enter into the building before he drives off. Taeil doesn’t know why he does that. He falls in love with him all over again every time.

Taeil doesn’t think about it for the rest of the day. He likes work recently, it keeps him distracted. He focuses on the spreadsheets and numbers in front of him and he doesn’t think whether or not the state of Illinois thinks he would make a good enough father.

There’s nothing abnormal about the day. He gets off work at the usual time. Puts in his earbuds, blasts some music as he walks to the nearest L station. He gets on the purple line to get home. He can handle the trip back home just fine.

The issue tends to be the time in between his and Johnny’s arrival home. That’s when Taeil is hit with the cruel reality. As he walks to his and Johnny’s bedroom upstairs to change out of his work clothes he passes by the door of the room designated for the baby. His mind immediately goes to the situation at hand.

Behind the door sits a fully furnished room. A crib with a mobile hanging on top of it. A dresser filled with the essential pieces of clothing. A changing table. The agency had to check that they have space to raise a kid, not just the funds, recommendation letters, the house inspections, and clear background checks, so they got everything and set it up. It’s been waiting to be used for what feels like an eternity. Taeil sighs as he walks past, resisting the urge to open the door.

He sometimes does that when he’s home alone. He stands in the doorway and looks at everything inside. The stuffed animals on the shelves, the colorful decals on the walls. That’s when the defeat really sets in.

It’s out of his control now. It’s someone else’s decision. He’s had too much of that mindset lately, the knot that formed in his stomach when he went in to dust the furniture last weekend is still present. So he walks away, leaving the sadness and inevitable self-deprecating thoughts for some other day. He’ll find a way to keep himself distracted in the meantime. There are things around the house that he needs to take care of. He’ll turn up the volume on his music again and he’ll manage until Johnny comes back. It gets easier when Johnny returns.

Taeil goes on about his day and tries not to think about it. He unpacks the groceries first, he does some laundry, dusts the living room before he gets started on dinner.

Taeil loves to cook. He finds recipes to try every night before bed, and gets whatever ingredients he needs to make it on his way home. Though he loves it, he’s not confident in it, so he always cooks with the recipe in front of him, just to make sure he isn’t messing anything up. If he was cooking just for himself it would be different, but he’s cooking for Johnny too. He doesn’t want to screw up. Johnny deserves a hot, homemade meal when he comes back from work.

They’re past the takeout era they had when they first moved in together. You can’t raise a child with takeout. One of them was bound to start cooking on a daily basis.

The recipe he’s trying today seemed much simpler when he was reading it. But now that he’s reading through it again, he decides to prep all the ingredients before he turns the stove on. It takes him a bit more time, but he manages to get things done in time. The rush to get it ready is both distracting and relaxing. He doesn’t have time to think about anything besides cooking.

With the meal placed to finish itself in the oven Taeil checks the clock. Johnny should be home by this time. He normally calls if he’s going to be late, but Taeil doesn’t think too much about it. He might have got caught in traffic, or had to stay a little later at work.

He considers calling to ask if everything’s okay, but he also realizes that it’s just fifteen minutes. He shouldn’t overreact over Johnny being fifteen minutes late. It’s not long enough for him to worry as much as he does. He’ll give him an hour. If it’s more than an hour he’ll call and ask what’s going on.

In the meantime he can set up for dinner, and actually in the dining room since he has enough time to do it. They eat in the kitchen more often than not, mostly using the dining room for special occasions, or when entertaining guests. Why not change it up a bit, he thinks.

Johnny gets home a few minutes after Taeil’s timer chimes and he turns the oven off. He first hears the car pull up in the driveway, then the key turns and the front door opens and closes. He hears the familiar rhythm in Johnny’s footsteps, he doesn’t doubt that it’s him. He feels relief when he hears Johnny arrive. He’s just thirty minutes late. That’s not a big deal.

“How was your day?” he asks almost immediately. Johnny doesn’t answer though. It’s odd. But Taeil attempts again. “Dinner’s ready. I didn’t know you’d be late, so I started it at the usual time.” Taeil speaks as he walks out of the dining room. He meets Johnny in the hallway, and is surprised by what he sees. From the shock on his face, and how tense he seems, Taeil can tell that something happened. “Is everything okay?”

Johnny looks at him then, his whole body relaxing before he answers.

“I got a call from the adoption agency.”

Shit. Today really is the day they find out what’s going on, Johnny was right this morning.

“So? What did they say?” he asks the obvious. Johnny purses his lips, then answers.

“We’re picking her up on Friday.”

It’s like the entire world stops. Taeil can’t believe what he’s hearing.

“Her?” A daughter? They’re going to have a daughter?

“Her.” They’re going to have a daughter. “The day after tomorrow.”

That’s soon. Too soon. They have to get so many things, do so much. They… they’re going to be parents.

“Holy shit.”

As he watches Johnny shrug off his coat, he stomachs the news he heard and settles on them being reality. They’re having a kid. In two days. A weight is lifted off his shoulders. The wait was worth it. The energy they spent in trying to make their family complete.

He’s so relieved and so happy at the same time. It’s finally happening. It used to be a wish, one they dedicated all their free time to making come true. It’s so overwhelming.

For the first time in months he allows himself to feel all that he was scared of feeling before. The happiness and relief mix with the frustration he felt just minutes ago. It’s too much for him to stay with a neutral face. He can’t stop himself, the tears form in his eyes before he realizes what’s happening.

“Ah-ah. None of that language from this point on. We have to practice. I can’t have ‘fuck’ as our daughter’s first word,” Johnny jokes, the smile on his face growing wider by the moment. He leaves his coat on the hook on the wall and he finally turns and looks at Taeil. “You’re crying.”

Taeil touches under his eyes on instinct, trying to wipe the wet trails away.

“I’m sorry. I just…” he attempts, unsure what to say. There’s no point in him hiding it anymore, he realizes. Johnny closes the space between them quickly. He cups his face, so Taeil decides to open up. “I’ve been so tired, Johnny. And so sad that it takes so much time for them to decide if we’re good enough to deserve to love another person.” Taeil knows he sounds selfish when he says it. There is so much more than that, the process is long for everyone. They were ready for it. It just got too much near the end.

“I know baby. I see you,” Johnny says. He wraps his arms around him, hugging as tight as he always does. Taeil feels warm and safe in Johnny’s arms, always. It feels different this time too. He hugs back, feeling easier now that he got it off his chest. He hasn’t had this feeling of ease in months.

“I can’t wait to meet her. We’re gonna love her so much.”

“Yes, we are.” Johnny loosens his hug, but still keeps an arm around his husband. He raises one hand and uses it to sweep back Taeil’s hair. It’s so long these days, the bangs getting into his eyes. Johnny wants to look at him, it seems.

Taeil melts into the touch. He wants to memorize everything about this moment, the day they found out they were becoming parents. The words replay in his head and he gets overwhelmed by jitters again.

Taeil rises up onto his tiptoes and presses a kiss on Johnny’s lips. Johnny kisses him back, leaning down, chasing after Taeil’s lips.

“I love you,” he breaks the kiss, then pulls Johnny back into the hug. Johnny indulges him.

“I love you too.”

🍼

They have Thursday after work to take care of a lot. Luckily, they also have a list that breaks everything down, and a plan to set in motion. Nine months is a lot of time to get things in order. Twenty six months is even more.

They made the list a few weeks after they finished the parenting lessons that were required by the adoption agency. Besides the small shopping section, reminding them to get formula, diapers and wipes, the list is largely focused on cleaning up the room and preparing it for the baby.

Their baby.

Ever since they set the room up, either him or Johnny came in once a week to dust and vacuum, but today they do more than that. They air it out, wipe the floor, and disinfect all the surfaces they know the little lady will be in contact with. Baby proofing the furniture takes up most of the afternoon. They set the rug in the middle of the room, the exact spot they bought it for. Then they unpack the mattress for the crib and take the plastic off the mobile. With working baby monitors and bedding still warm from ironing placed in the crib, they call it a day.

Everything is ready. What’s left for them to do is get a good night’s sleep.

Tomorrow they’re meeting their daughter.

Taeil falls asleep quickly. As long as Johnny is in the bed next to him, he has no issues with it. The issue arises when he jerks awake after turning in sleep and realizing Johnny isn’t in bed anymore. He blinks himself awake, then gets up.

Locating Johnny isn’t difficult. Taeil just follows the light and the muffled sound of music playing all the way to the kitchen. Bingo. Johnny’s looking at his laptop, scrolling through something and mouthing the words to the music playing.

“It’s the middle of the night. What are you doing up at this hour?”

“Practicing for the next decade.” Johnny jokes. Taeil gives him a smile and he walks around the kitchen island to where Johnny is sitting. “I’m too excited to sleep. What about you?”

“You’re not in bed. I can’t sleep without you, you know that,” Taeil responds. Once he reaches Johnny he places both arms over his shoulders, hugging him from the back. Taeil loves doing this. He feels tall for a change.

“I’m sorry, baby,” Johnny coos, and places his hands on Taeil’s forearms. Taeil’s smile widens. He doesn’t want to move away from the hug, Johnny’s touch further convinces him to stay where he is.

Taeil leans down, resting his chin on Johnny’s shoulder. He looks at the laptop screen, Johnny has Spotify open, Taeil recognizes. He’s making a playlist. ‘Songs for our daughter’ the title reads, and a picture of their wedding day. Taeil’s chest tightens with fondness.

“Johnny?” The real question remains unsaid, Taeil’s face is enough for anyone to figure it out.

“It’s the only thing that’s calming me down right now,” Johnny replies. “I was thinking we could show the playlist to her when she’s grown up. We can add a bunch until then.”

Taeil loves the idea.

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

🍼

They’re sleep deprived and nervous. But they’re the good kind of nervous. They’ve never been so excited.

“Are you ready?” Johnny asks. They’re standing in the hallway, coats and beanies on. They’re moments away from heading out to the agency.

“I’m ready.”

The last time Taeil was as certain of something was when he said yes to Johnny’s proposal.

**Author's Note:**

> what started off in my head as johnny makes a playlist for his and taeil's daughter ended up as... this
> 
> thank you for reading!  
> please let me know what you thought
> 
> [johnny's playlist (spotify)](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GhAAMlHZGhpv2Ow4yRRog?si=sbyCvFHFQFCEmjUEpWSRDw) | [johnny's playlist (youtube music)](https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCQSkU8_EB9g6_GIkULxEUFhLdUq4l5j9) | [twitter](https://twitter.com/newct127) | [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.qa/newct127)


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